Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
