Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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