I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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