So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
