I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
