And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
are you so shy because you have an std?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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