you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
