I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
