your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
