Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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