I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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