just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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