Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
