How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
