Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
This toilet bowl is my home.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
