So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
