literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
