Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
