I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
