____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
