The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
