Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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