Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
