good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
this hospital has no fireball
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
