You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
