I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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