i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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