Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
