guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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