Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
