I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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