There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
