Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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