Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
