what day is it and did you see me today?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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