Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
