K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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