Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"it" just moved
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
