Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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