I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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