i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize