If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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