literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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