I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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