i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
