You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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