Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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