I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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