As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
