I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
