Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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