i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Actions speak louder than pants.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
