Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
