If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
