Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
