Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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