Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
