I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
