i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
